Somedays I’m very happy. Others not so much. On my happy day’s I’m grateful to be alive. I’m happy I’m back to work. I’m happy about the things I can do on my own now and the number of things continues to grow. I don’t take for granted the little things in life and I take pleasure knowing in time, with the help of a prosthetic I will walk again.
Other days my enthusiasm wavers. I get inpatient and/or depressed. I feel like I have been running a marathon that doesn’t end. That this life that began last July with a foot ulcer and cumulated with my amputation on April 11th of this year is still a daily grind of trying to get better.
My wound is still healing. According to my doctor it is healing very well. But in the back of my mind, there is always the thought and wish that my wound would just be healed so I can go to the next step and begin getting fitted for a new leg. I also have days that when I look at myself in a mirror I get very upset at the amount of muscle mass I have lost. Lastly I sometimes get depressed because I want to be independent and not need anyone’s help. These are all things that will come in time. At some point my wound will be totally healed after which I will get my leg. I excercise every day, I eat tons of protein both for the wound and to build up my muscle mass. In time I will regain my muscle. And there will come a day that I won’t need to ask for help to do something. I will just do it.
My problem on bad days is I have no patience on these days. Realistically I know these things take time. Realistically I know these things will happen. But at times I revert back to my early childhood days and want to scream “I want it now”.
I am normally a very patient man. But this whole ordeal has tested my patience and when it comes to my wound, being able to walk and recovering my muscle, some days I lose that battle.
Yesterday was one of those days. I woke to a small amount of irritation in my stump caused by the dressing sliding down my stump and over the wound. It set me off on a path of the poor me’s. I kind of barked at my wife Sharon and told her how miserable my life was and all the things I was afraid of. She just listened and would give me words of encouragement. I finally went back to sleep as I didn’t want to deal with my emotions anymore. God bless Sharon as she is my number one cheerleader even when I don’t deserve it.
Today I woke up and my attitude was better. I sat in the living room, drank my coffee,looked at pictures of my kids and my grandson and planned my day. I am determined that today is going to be a great day. Today I have more patience. I know that things take time and I am okay with that.
Today I will play my guitar, work out, eat well and maybe watch a movie or two. Today it is good to be alive which is much better than the opposite. Today I have faith and not fear. Today I have patience